


What You Deserve

by shankyknitter



Series: Love Me When I'm Gone [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A/B/O Universe, A/U, Alpha Clint, Alpha Steve, Coulson Lives, Love triangles are bull, Omega Natasha, Other, bondmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:21:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2492600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shankyknitter/pseuds/shankyknitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Phil's death Natasha beat the odds and stays both alive and sane. She even manages to move on and allow Steve into her life as her alpha. What happens when her bondmate proves to be very much alive? </p><p>Sequel to Loving You Is A Blood Sport.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up directly where "Loving you is a blood sport" left off. Read that first or this will make no sense.

“Phil?” This wasn’t possible. This couldn’t be possible. Phil was dead; Phil had been dead for over a year. Yet there he stood, impeccable in his suit, hands clasped behind his back, same small grin. Natasha’s mark throbbed. She kept her face blank by years of training and practice.

“Natasha.” That was Phil’s voice. She couldn’t move. Her feet may as well have been encased in blocks of ice. She noticed Clint and Bucky leaving out of the corner of her eye, leaving her alone with Steve and the man who couldn’t be Phil.

Steve’s hand was on her shoulder, possessive and warm. His solid bulk was a comforting wall at her back while her world upended. He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

“You’ve been gone a while Phil.” Steve said mildly. He wasn’t quite stepping around Natasha, but he was close enough to make his claim clear. Phil didn’t even blink.

“Not by choice, Captain.” He looked at Natasha and her mark burned. “You know I never would have left you for long if it could have been avoided, Natasha.” He stepped forward and Steve’s grip got tighter. He stopped. He wouldn’t challenge Steve openly, that had never been Phil’s way; then add the hero worship he had of Steve? Natasha was going to lose her bondmate all over again.

Assuming this was actually Phil.

“Prove it.” Natasha shook Steve’s hand off her shoulder, pointedly not looking at the large alpha. “Prove you’re him.” The wall of calm that she associated with missions slid down into place. She fixed fake-Phil with her most scrutinizing look. If there was anything to give him away as a fraud she’d find it. And when she did there would not be a force on earth that would save him from feeling every method she’d learned to give pain.

He flicked his eyes at Steve, then back at her. “Ask me a question. Anything I volunteer could be fake or planted.” He gave a tiny shrug.

“What was the weather like when you asked me to bond with you?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” Phil didn’t look away. “The first time I asked I’d been in the infirmary for 36 hours waiting for you to wake up. We didn’t know if you even would.” Phil ignored Steve and stepped closer “Or were you talking about when you had just gotten home from Belarus? Because it was pouring rain, and I was soaked to the skin from waiting for Barton to land the jet.” He took another step and was able to reach out to touch her face.

“Or are you asking what the weather was like the day you actually said yes?” He whispered. “Because as far as I’m concerned it was perfect.” He took her face in both hands and just looked at her. “I’ve missed you, Natasha.”

“You’re not real. You’re dead.” Phil had the decency not to comment on the tears he wiped from her face as she said it.

“I’m real. I was dead, I’m not now. It’s a long story.”

“Why didn’t you come for me? Why didn’t you tell me?!” The wall of calm was crumbling and she couldn’t stop it. She was either going to scream or cry, and she had no idea which. She was better trained than this. She couldn’t lose control, but Phil was _alive_ and _here_.

“I wanted to, Natasha. Dear god I wanted to.” He wrapped her arms around her and crushed her against his chest. “I couldn’t. Fury had me running a special ops team, and when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell I had to try to determine who I could trust and who I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk telling you I was alive, you’d come for me and I refused to risk your safety more than I had to.” His chin rested on top of her head, she felt his words more than heard them.

She was crying. She hated herself for it. She wanted to scream, to tell him just how pathetic his fucking excuse was. But for the first time in over a year she was wrapped up in Phil and everything came crashing down. He was alive; he always had always been alive. She clung to his suit jacket and sobbed, trusting her bondmate to hold her up. For a moment she forgot the rest of the world, for a moment she just reveled in the scent of calm and old books that clung to Phil, lost herself in the feeling of being held.

Until the sound of a clearing throat brought her back to reality. “I uh… I’ll just leave you two alone then.”

Her eyes snapped open.

Oh shit. _Steve._

~*~

Phil was on her rarely used couch. He was here, he was alive, but he wasn’t going to sleep in her bed just yet. Natasha wasn’t sure what she was doing, other than trying to buy herself time. That she would rebuild her relationship with Phil was a foregone conclusion. He was her bondmate; they’d made that commitment for life. But she hadn’t let Steve in lightly. He was her alpha. She couldn’t imagine giving either of them up now that she had them both.

She sat down heavily on her bed. She needed to think. Normally she’d go to Barton. He wouldn’t have solid advice, he just knew her well enough to point out the option she actually wanted. Most of the time he subtly pushed in the direction she needed to go and let her reach the final conclusion herself. However he’d just gotten his own love life straightened out and she was going to let him enjoy that.

She let herself flop back with a distinct lack of grace. She had to figure this out on her own. She could do this. She was the Black Widow for god’s sake. She’d spent all the childhood she could remember, as well as most of her adult life, cutting men loose. She could figure out a way to do this.

Just as soon as she figured out what ‘this’ was.

~*~

The smell of coffee woke her up. She padded out into her kitchen and smiled slightly at Phil making her breakfast in nothing but his dress pants. It was his tradition for the morning after she came home from a field assignment. Apparently it also applied to him coming back from the dead.

“Pancakes?” He turned at the sound of her voice, years of training stopping him jumping at the assassin behind him.

“I didn’t think you wanted me leaving to go buy a waffle iron, Natasha.” He smiled at her, making her stomach flip. He handed her a mug then turned back around to put some food on a pair of plates.

“Phil…” She took a sip of her tea.

“After breakfast, I missed you too much to lose you before getting to feed you again.” He set a plate down in front of her and taking his seat across the table. They ate in near silence. She’d forgotten how much she missed this. Steve wasn’t one for breakfasts together; he generally ran first thing in the morning and ate when he came back. She needed to eat before she did anything else or she became a raging hunger beast. Once Phil had figured that out he’d begun stocking snacks in his desk and nonchalantly slipping her some before meetings, just to be sure.

It took an embarrassingly long time to realize Phil was talking to her. “What was that?”

“I said I’m not going to let you go without a fight Natasha.” Phil leaned in and took her hand. “I waited too long, and fought too hard to get you in the first place to just let you go. Even to the Captain.” He snorted softly. “Never thought I’d have to compete with him for my bondmate though.”

“You were dead Phil. What was I supposed to do?” Natasha knew her voice was rising, but she didn’t care. She rarely yelled, but in this case? She’d make an exception. “Die? Go crazy? Almost did, on both counts. You owe Clint a massive thank you for that by the way, he kept me from doing either.” She looked at him, waiting for a response. Phil just sat there quietly.

“You know I went into heat after you died? Right on schedule too. No one could make any sense of it; we chocked it up to something the Red Room had done. But no, that wasn’t it. I went into heat because you were alive and didn’t tell me! I found an alpha that makes me happy, and tried to have what passes for a normal life around here, missing you every god damned day. But you were alive and didn’t tell me! And why not? Because of some idiotic attempt to _protect me?!_ ” She stood.

“I made a mistake.” Phil’s voice was soft.

“Every day you were alive and didn’t come for me was a mistake.” She spat.

“It was.” He stood and reached for her. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I will spend the rest of my days apologizing to you for them if that’s what you need.” He kissed her forehead. Phil had always been hesitant to share affection if she didn’t offer first. Something having to do with her moniker she’d assumed. She felt her anger ebbing away at the contact. “Just tell me what you need Natasha, and I will give it to you.”

“I need to think Phil. If you’d come back a year ago, hell even a few months ago, I wouldn’t need to. But now?” She pulled back and shook her head. “Now I don’t know. I love you. You’re my bondmate and I never want to lose you again.”

“Then don’t.”

“Phil, I love him too. I don’t want to give him up either.” She took a step away from him.

“Then don’t.” Phil didn’t raise his voice, didn’t give any indication that he’d just suggested what she thought he’d suggested. She gave him a shrewd look.

“Care to clarify that, Agent?”

Phil grinned and stepped forward. “Don’t give either of us up Natasha. He was there for you when I wasn’t. He loves you; otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to stake claim last night. I love you, you’re the person I swore to spend the rest of my life connected to. I promised I’d give you what you need. And if that means having to share you to keep you then I’ll happily do it.” He grabbed her arms and looked her in the eye.

“You just want to see Cap naked, don’t you?” She quipped. She couldn’t seriously entertain the idea of getting to keep both.

“That would be a benefit, yes.” He smiled at her. “Just think about it, please? I can’t force you to choose, but I am not nearly self-sacrificing enough to walk away. Not anymore.” She watched his eyes keep flicking down to her lips.

“I’ll think about it.” She reached up and put her arms around his neck, pressing herself against him. “In the meantime though, you’re alive, and I’d like to see just _how_ alive.” She rose up on her toes and kissed him with everything she had.

“This mean I’m forgiven?” Phil managed to get out when she’d pulled away.

“Sweetheart, you know better than that.” She gave him a wolfish grin before sashaying back toward her bedroom. She turned in the doorway and shot Phil a look over her shoulder. “Coming?”


	2. Chapter 2

It was two weeks before she spoke to Steve again. She could tell he was actively avoiding her. Every time she went to his rooms, he had just left. Every time she went to the gym he was just finishing up. At first she was willing to let him be, to let him have space to think before she sprung the idea of asking him to share her with Phil. That lasted until Jarvis informed her that the Captain was moving into an apartment outside of the tower. He was running.

She couldn’t really blame him. Her suite reeked of sex. There was no disguising the scent, and it would be even more pungent to Steve, whether he actually stepped into her rooms or just smelled her skin. She hadn’t exactly been chaste with Phil. She still hadn’t forgiven him for not coming for her; but she wasn’t going to waste any of the time she did have with him wallowing in false modesty. But, understand Steve’s motives or not, she couldn’t let him run or she’d never get him back.

Since he was avoiding her, she needed an accomplice, someone who Steve wanted to spend time with to convince him to be in the same room with her. Someone who could then disappear and let them talk in private. Otherwise she was going to have to sneak into his suite, and she had a feeling that entering her alpha’s den reeking of another man was probably not the best way to go about this.

Which is how she found herself knocking on Clint’s door, hoping to whatever higher power might exist that Bucky was home.

He wasn’t.

Clint looked slightly surprised to see her but gestured her in all the same. His place was a wreck; she didn’t know why she’d assumed it’d be cleaner now that Bucky was basically living there. He scooped some papers off of one of his kitchen chairs and motioned for her to sit.

“To what do I owe the pleasure ‘Tasha?” He poured her a cup of coffee.

“I was hoping Bucky’d be here to be honest.” She warmed her hands on the mug. She tried to figure out what to say, then decided the truth was probably easiest in this case. “Phil and I want to ask Steve to join us.”

“So wait… you want Bucky to help you convince Steve to join you and Phil in some kinky triad thing?” Clint was a bit incredulous.

“No, I want Bucky to convince Steve to stay in the room long enough for me to propose Phil’s idea to Steve without him pretending I don’t exist.” She studiously ignored the coffee in front of her. She wasn’t sure whether Clint or Bucky had made it, but neither option was appetizing.

“Phil’s idea? You doin’ this for him or for you ‘Tasha? ‘Cause Phil’s Cap fetish is the stuff of legend, and I’d hate to see you shoved aside in your own threesome.” He swigged some of the sludge he called coffee and she fought to keep her face neutral.

“It was Phil’s idea, but I agreed to it. Now I just need to get Steve to talk to me so I can see if he’s interested.” She’d long since been trained out of having nervous gestures but she was tempted to fidget with her mug all the same.

“How about this, I’ll talk to Bucky and ask him how Cap’s doing, see what he wants out of all of this. Then I’ll tell you and you can figure out what to do from there. If he misses you and is being a self-sacrificing ass, then I’ll help you get him in the same room. If not? Then you’re on your own ‘Tasha. I love you but I’m not helping anybody trap anybody.” He fixed her with a blue eyed stare. She took a moment before nodding. It was a good plan, one that gave Steve plenty of outs.

“Now that that’s settled, where _is_ Bucky? I didn’t think he could leave without supervision?”  She pretended to sip from her mug, intending to pour it out the second Clint left the room. She needed to get him a plant or something. As it was it would take her roughly 10 seconds to get to the sink, which meant his back needed to be turned for at least 30 in order to be safe.

“He’s supervised. Steve took him out apartment hunting. Cap seems to think Bucky’ll be moving with him since my omega doesn’t have his own floor here and he’s been livin’ with Cap since he came back. Haven’t had the heart to tell him Bucky’s moving in with me full time now that he’s got the option. With any luck, he’ll break it to Cap before Rogers realizes how much a two bedroom goes for in Brooklyn now.” Clint looked from her to her still full cup and back with a crooked smirk. Without another word he picked up her mug and poured it down the drain.

~*~

She and Phil were watching _Marley and Me_ for reasons she couldn’t articulate. She’d come back from Clint’s suite to an open bottle of red wine, pasta, and the sappy movie queued up on Netflix. Since he’d come back Phi had been doing his best to spoil her in ways he knew she’d accept. So she tolerated his sappy movie choices on the rare occasions she couldn’t talk him into cheesy horror.

Her phone buzzed. She extracted herself from Phil, who was decidedly not crying over a dog thank-you-very-much, to check it. It was a text from Clint.

_Operation kinky threesome thing is a go._

She shot a glance at Phil, who was still trying to pretend he wasn’t crying like a baby before responding.

_I pity Bucky if you think a triad counts as a kinky sex thing._

She didn’t even make it back to the couch before her phone buzzed again.

_I can be kinky! Last night I… know what? Nevermind. Get your ass to my floor for dinner tomorrow. Bring Phil. Bucky’s cooking._

She briefly considered warning her bondmate that he’d be consuming Barnes’ cooking. Then looked at the tv and remembered he’d made her watch a movie about having to put a dog to sleep for date night and decided he deserved every bite.

It never occurred to her to ask what Bucky had actually said to Steve.

~*~

Natasha watched Phil change his tie for the eighth time before getting up and taking the strip of fabric from his hands. No amount of explaining that they were only going to Clint’s suite and not out to a restaurant would convince Phil to go to dinner in anything less than a full suit. She had gone with a simple jade green sheath dress. Tight enough to show off her figure, but loose enough around the thighs to hide one or two tactical knives.

“Breathe.” She kissed him with a confidence she didn’t feel. “It’s only Steve. If he says no then we’ll still have each other.” With practiced motions she tied a perfect double Windsor at Phil’s throat.

“I just want you happy, Natasha.” He muttered plaintively.

“And to see Cap’s star spangled ass up close.” She teased, trying to break the tension. Trying to calm Phil down was doing wonders to distract her from the knots her stomach was tying itself in.

“Does it really have spangles?” Phil gave her a weak half smile.

“Agent, the man craps patriotism. Would you honestly be surprised if it was?” She used the tie to pull him closer, gently pressing their lips together one more time. “Now, let’s get a move on. You know how I feel about being late.”

Phil nodded and walked over to open the door for her.  If there was one thing her bondmate was good at it was old world manners. He knew she could break him with her pinky if she really wanted to, but he still treated her like precious china; like she was something dainty and lovely. She refused to say out loud how much she loved it from him. Anyone else would have ended up with several broken bones had they tried, but with Phil it was just how he was.

She took his offered arm and let him lead her to the elevator.

~*~

She shouldn’t have worried about being on time. Clint was chronically late and it appeared Bucky was as well. When Phil knocked politely on the door it was flung open to a disaster area. Clint’s blonde hair was streaked with red, pasta sauce - not blood she realized, and their kitchen was covered in flour. Barnes was nowhere to be seen and the smell of char suggested something, somewhere, was burnt.

“’Tasha! Phil! Uh…” Clint just gestured behind him and Natasha resisted the urge to rub her forehead. “You two look great?” Clint inadvertently turned the statement into a question, trying to salvage the situation.

“Barton, please tell me there is a plan B.” Phil pinched the bridge of his nose, not surprised by the mess, yet clearly disappointed all the same.

“Please, I’m a professional, Phil. Of _course_ there’s a plan B.” Clint gestured them in. “I made reservations for two at that little bistro thing a block from here.”

“Two? Barton there are five of us. I know you can count that high.” Natasha inspected the couch for food particles before setting herself down on the edge.

“Barely.” He shot back. He gave both her and Phil apologetic looks before continuing. “But, this whole mess frustrated the hell outta Bucky. He doesn’t trust himself to be in public right now. And once Steve heard the two of us wouldn’t be there, he asked that only Phil meet him.” He ran a hand through his hair, making the red streaks worse.

“And what, exactly, am I doing while my bondmate and my Alpha are off having a romantic dinner for two?” Natasha kept her voice neutral. Training alone kept her tension from showing.

“You are staying here with Bucky and me.” Clint half smiled. “And we are ordering pizza and watching bad horror.”

“You owe me, Barton. One day I’m going to call that in.” Her voice was mild, but she saw the blood draining from Clint’s face with a certain amount of satisfaction.

“Natasha, perhaps traumatizing Clint can wait for another day?” Phil’s voice was tight, it was the only sign he gave of being nervous. She looked at him for a moment before nodding slightly. She was playing with Clint to delay the inevitable honestly.

She stayed sitting while Phil took down the reservation information from Clint. Apparently the sniper had put his credit card on file with the restaurant and was paying for the other men’s dinners; a small gesture to show how sorry he was that plans had changed. Phil made sure he had the information straight, straightened his tie, kissed Natasha and left. Her eyes followed him out, heart in her throat.

“So.” Clint got her attention. “Something with young Christopher Lee or a remake?”

~*~

True to his word Clint ordered several pizzas and put on the original Wicker Man. About halfway through the movie Bucky emerged from the shower, still dripping wet. He took one look at the kitchen Clint had yet to clean, grabbed a slice of pizza, and flopped down on the couch next to Natasha.

“I heard what’s happening, little Natalia.” Bucky started. No matter how often he was told that she went by Natasha now, he clung to her old name. “Steve is… concerned. What you’re asking of him, it’s…” Bucky gestured in the air, looking for the right word. “It’s new. Triads, poly bonds, they just weren’t done. They’re right with omega/omega bonds, or alpha/alpha bonds.” He looked for a second like he wanted to stroke her face.

Natasha nodded. She honestly expected Steve to say no, however Phil phrased it. Steve was doing really well adapting to the present, but there were some concepts he still had trouble grasping, she didn’t expect him to be ready for advanced human sexuality. But it didn’t hurt to ask.

The waiting, however, was what was killing her. No matter how smooth she managed to keep her features she was fighting the urge to ask Clint if he had any vodka. She knew he was trying to quit drinking, for Bucky’s sake if nothing else, and she wasn’t going to tempt him like that. She got up and made drinkable coffee instead. She had some of the good stuff in her suite; she’d do a shot with Phil when he came home. Whether they drank in celebration or sorrow remained to be seen.

A polite knock sounded, causing Natasha to freeze. Bucky grabbed ahold of her wrist, not letting her go answer it. Clint got up instead. She couldn’t see who was there, Clint had his couch facing the wrong way, which was stupid in her opinion. She managed to shake off Bucky’s grip and stood to look.

“Natasha, we should go for a walk, or something.”

“Sure, Steve. Whatever you want.”


	3. Chapter 3

The night was colder than she expected. She rubbed her arms, half wishing she’d brought her coat. She felt smooth satin lining settle over her shoulders and she realized Steve had draped his leather coat over her. She gave him a smile, discreetly inhaling the scent of alpha and Steve that she’d been missing for weeks. They walked two or three city blocks before either spoke to the other, content to just be in each other’s company and wave slightly at those few who recognized them. He broke the building tension first.

“I miss you, Nat.” Steve whispered without looking at her. She looked up at him, ducking to where she could see his face. He gently pushed her back to the side. “No, Nat. Please, I can’t say this and look at you.”

The knot in her stomach was moving up to her throat. She kept her face carefully blank. The only man she’d ever honestly cried over was Phil, Steve deciding he didn’t want to enter a triad didn’t rate anywhere near that level of pain. She could live with this. The absurd thought that he would at least let her down gently flitted through her mind. It was cold comfort. She kept her eyes forward and kept walking next to her soon to be ex alpha. She inhaled deeply, savoring the smell clinging to his coat, knowing this was more than likely the last time she’d have the chance.

“I’m not,” He paused, Natasha watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, looking for words. “I’m not happy with the idea of sharing you, Nat. You’re not the kinda gal a fella’d want to share.”

“Except, Phil does.” She couldn’t help cutting in.

“Except, Phil does.” Steve agreed, cracking a slight smile. “I’m not entirely sure Phil’s making the right call here.”

“Phil’s making the call that lets him keep me and see your star spangled banner, if you catch my drift.” She looked over at him with a grin, hoping he’d look at her. He didn’t.

“I never pictured sharing an omega, Nat. Honestly never pictured having an omega to share.” They split for a second to dodge a kid running ahead of his frazzled looking mother.

“So what are you going to do, Cap?” Normally she’d stay quiet and let him babble all his secrets away, but right now? It was unprofessional, but she didn’t have the patience. She pulled his coat closer.

“I don’t know. Bucky’d told me you needed to talk to me about a mission, then next thing I know Phil’s meeting me for dinner, utterly reeking of you and talking about sharing you. You want him, Nat. You made that perfectly clear the night he came back. The whole tower smelled like the two of you. I could still smell you in the gym. I ended up having to leave the tower so I didn’t break your door down and rip Phil off you.” His shoulders were hunched and he still wasn’t looking at her, but he hadn’t broken stride.

She said nothing. She didn’t have to.

“I want to take him up on the offer Nat. But I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to share you.” He snorted. “Then again, you’re a hell of a woman and I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to give you up.” He stopped and grabbed her by the shoulders, looking directly in her eyes for the first time since leaving Clint’s. “I want you Nat. You know I do. But I have no idea what I’m doing here.”

“No one ever does, Cap.” She reached up to touch his face. She wanted this, wanted him. He was her alpha, the only alpha she’d ever wanted. “I’m asking you to give it a shot.” She whispered.

“This is a lot to take in Nat.” He kissed her forehead. It felt like good bye. “Give me time to think.”  He let go of her and stepped back. She wanted him melt into the crowd. Not as well as she could have, but she felt a small stab of pride that he’d at least learned that much.

~*~

Phil was sitting in their suite when she got back. He took one look at her wrapped up in Steve’s coat and handed her a chilled glass filled with her private reserve vodka. She downed it quicker than she should have. She couldn’t focus on Steve. If she did she’d lose her calm. He needed time to think and she’d give him that. She glanced at Phil again and felt the question spill out before she could stop it.  

“Why now, Phil?” She’d been avoiding this conversation for as long as he’d been here. But this seemed like the night for painful revelations. She wasn’t stupid enough to think the world was safe now when it hadn’t been before. Hydra was still out there, even if Shield wasn’t.

He didn’t answer. He just sat there, looking at her.

“ _Why now Phil?_ ” She repeated, teeth clenched.

“Natasha, please. Don’t” His smile started to fade.

“No. I am not one of your agents that you can just brush off. I’m your bondmate and you owe me an explanation, Agent Coulson.”

“Director.” His voice was soft.

“What?” She couldn’t have heard him right.

“Director Coulson. I’ve been rebuilding Shield, Natasha.” He hadn’t moved, just sat at the small table in their shared kitchen. “From the ground up.”

She carefully slid into the chair across from him, refusing to show any shock. “That doesn’t answer my question, Phil. Why come back now?” She watched him try to figure out what to say, she could practically see him looking for ways to dodge the question. She simply sat and kept her face carefully blank. She needed to know.

When his response came it was almost too soft for her to catch. “I’m sick, Natasha. I don’t know how long I have.” He was looking down at his hands as her world fell away.

“So you came back to make me watch you die a second time.” She felt the calm of a mission envelop her. If there was one thing she could thank the Red Room for it was screwing with her panic response. Panic brought crystal clarity and detachment. She imagined that’s why she survived his first death.

“No. I came back to make sure you were going to be taken care of. I came back so that when Agent May has to put a bullet through my skull you won’t kill her later. I came back so that you wouldn’t find the records that I survived and wonder why I never came for you.” He was reaching for her, but for the life of her she couldn’t make her arms move to reach back. His eyes were pleading with her to understand.

“That’s why you wanted to form a triad with Steve. You were trying to hand me off, like a piece of furniture, so I wouldn’t feel guilty when I found out you’d been alive.” The mission calm meant that the sneer and anger didn’t show though her voice, but she could feel it deep inside. Like a river covered in ice. She rose from her chair and started for the door.

“Natasha-!” Phil was calling after her. She didn’t turn to look.

~*~

She barely felt the recoil of the pistol in her hand. Her wrists were long since accustomed to the slight kick and adjusted without conscience thought. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the door open and close; she didn’t stop firing until she’d cleared the clip. She ejected the spent clip and slid a fresh one into place with smooth fingers.

“Your bondmate is monopolizing my alpha.” The smooth Russian sounded dangerously close to her ear.

“I would apologize, but I needed to shoot something and I thought Jarvis would object to bloodstains in my suite.” She responded in the same language as she pressed the button next to her and a fresh target slid into place.

“From what I heard before I left, Clint may shoot the man for you.” She glanced over to see Bucky hauling himself up onto the small bench provided for bags. “I wouldn’t blame him. Or you little Natalia. He should not have kept this from you.”

She started shooting, hoping he’d get the idea that she didn’t feel like talking. Apparently it wasn’t her night. The next thing she knew a metal hand closed around the top of her pistol, stopping her from firing the gun.

“I remember you Natalia. Sometimes, I think. But when I do, I remember that you were trained never to run.” He plucked the gun from her fingers as easily as a child would pick a dandelion. “The Red Room taught you to be cold, to look at facts without emotion.” He took her hand and led her from the range. “To put on masks to lure in your targets, to protect yourself.” He carefully maneuvered her into sitting on the bench. She didn’t resist. “You don’t need that training now, little Natalia.”

Everything slammed down. Phil’s death, the months living with Clint, starting to build a relationship with Steve, Phil coming back, Phil being sick. Devastation to hope to devastation again. She never breaks, she bends, she copes, she adapts, but never breaks. There on the shooting range with the possibly the only other person on the planet who understood her, she finally could.

She clung to her partner’s omega and let him hold her.

She shattered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. This chapter is unbeta'd since I hate being late so I tossed it up here to be less late. Any mistakes are mine.

She was warm, she was safe. It was an odd sensation. She started to slowly wake up, cradled in Bucky’s lap. It should be odd to feel safe being held by arguably the deadliest man on earth, but it didn’t. Not for the first time she wished she didn’t have holes in her memory. There had to be a reason she instinctually found Bucky safe. Lacking an actual explanation she had no choice but to write it off as something the Red Room programed into her. She mentally shook off the thought; she realized what the odd sensation was. A deep rumbling vibrated against her.

Bucky was growling.

She snapped to full attention and tried to rise, only to have Bucky grip her tighter and hold her still. “I have you, little Natalia.” He muttered to her in Russian. 

She managed to turn her head enough to see what he was growling at. Phil had come looking for her, Clint sulking behind his former handler. He shot her a look and shrugged. He’d apparently tried to stop Phil from coming but couldn’t. She thought about being angry at him, but Phil was a force of nature when he wanted to be, she couldn’t blame Clint. She could, however, fix Phil with her most deadly glare. Her bondmate ought to know better than to pursue her when she was angry, and probably armed.

“Natasha?” Phil reached for her. Bucky growled louder and clutched her tighter. She patted his arm, trying to get him to loosen up before he choked her on accident. The last thing she needed was her bondmate trying to pry her unconscious body from the assassin determined to protect her. Bucky would always protect her. She wasn’t sure where that thought had come from, but she knew in her bones that it was the truth.

“Bucky? Come on, big guy. Phil’s not gonna hurt her, he just wants to talk to her.” Clint had his hands out and open in a calming gesture.

“Do you want to talk to him, little Natalia?” Bucky still hadn’t swapped back into English. She didn’t. She didn’t know if she ever _wanted_ to speak to Phil again. But she needed to. She sighed, nodded against Bucky’s chest and he let her up. Without a word she stood, nodded to Clint, and left. She trusted Phil would follow her out.

~*~

“You wanted to talk Phil. So I suggest you start talking Very Quickly.” She closed the door to their suite and clicked the lock into place. The flimsy piece of steel wouldn’t actually stop anyone who wanted in, but it would get the point across that she didn’t want company.

“Natasha, I love you.” He looked like he was about to reach for her, but she wasn’t ready to let him touch her. “I never wanted to hurt you; I don’t want to keep hurting you. When I decided to come back I didn’t do my research. I didn’t realize you’d let the Captain in. If I had…” He trailed off.

“If you had you wouldn’t have come back. You’d have lived out your life and let Agent May shoot you without me ever knowing you’d survived.” The mission calm slid into place.

“I don’t know, Natasha. I honestly don’t. I meant it when I said I wasn’t going to give you up without a fight, so I don’t know if I would have stayed away. But the point is I didn’t.” This time he did reach for her and she let him grab her hand. “You are not a piece of furniture for me to hand off. You’re an amazing,” he kissed her forehead, “stunning,” her nose was next, “deadly woman.” He placed a chaste kiss on her lips. “All I want in this world is to make sure you’re happy and taken care of. I know the Captain will take care of you when I’m gone and I don’t want to drive him off. But I don’t want to spend the last however long I’ve got without you.” He looked at her with hope. He was obviously trying to make her understand; make her accept why he’d made the choices he had. She wasn’t having it.

She pushed him back. “Stop, Phil. Just stop. You’re making it worse, you really and truly are. I’m going to go stay with Clint for a few days. You are going to stay the hell away from me. I don’t care what you do Phil, just give me space to figure out how to fix the utter mess my life has become since you came back.”

She went to their bedroom to pack, trying to ignore the smell of Phil on everything she owned. Phil trailed behind her like a kicked puppy. She couldn’t afford to worry about him though, the second she did was the second she’d lose her nerve to leave. She threw things into her duffle bag, not really caring if anything matched.

She knew Clint would take her in. He always had. Sometimes she worried that she was abusing that friendship, but he relied on her just as heavily so she didn’t feel quite so bad. They could always count on each other if nothing else. Steve said when he had nothing else he’d had Bucky. Well when she had nothing else she had Clint.

And right now? She had nothing else.

~*~

She heard banging around in the suite before Clint opened the door in nothing but purple boxers. He took one look at her duffle bag and let her inside without a word. She sat down on his beat up couch and toed off her shoes. A few moments later Bucky came out of Clint’s bedroom in a pair of sweatpants. He didn’t look to be the least bit surprised to see Natasha on their couch. Knowing him he probably expected it. Clint didn’t push her for an explanation, and for that she was grateful.

“So… we were about to catch up on Dog Cops. You in ‘Tasha?” Clint handed her a glass of water. She shrugged. She really didn’t care what happened right now, she knew she should be hiding it better, but it was Clint and his omega. She doubted they’d tell anyone she was acting like a school girl that just got dumped. She picked at a loose thread in the hem of her shirt.

“Or, I can go kick Steve’s ass for being a punk while you tell yestrab what’s the matter.” Bucky offered.

“It wasn’t Steve.”

“Alright, I’ll go kick what’s-his-name’s ass while you tell yestrab what’s wrong.” He corrected. She shot him a watery smile. She was the one who’d comforted him while Clint was running and hiding. She’d made him the same offer more than once. He’d always turned her down. She shook her head lightly. As appealing as the idea was, letting Bucky beat on Phil wouldn’t actually solve anything.

“I’ll be ok boys. I just need time to think. To remember.” She leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes.

“Remember what, Natalia?” Bucky sounded cautious, like he knew what she was about to say and firmly disagreed.

“Love is for children.” She’d said it to Loki once. It was an old phase, one her handlers drilled into her in another life when she was young. She’d been an idiot to forget it.

“You think I’m a child, little one?” Bucky growled at her. She slipped one eye open to meet his rather angry grey ones. “Do you think Steve is a child? Phil? Clint?” He continued. She was intimidated by very few people, he was one of them. “Are all of your teammates children to you Natalia Romonova?” His eyes drilled into hers and she felt herself recoil slightly.

For a heartbeat she was 14 again, one of many training to be the most valued daughter of Mother Russia.

_“You are all children! All of you!” Their trainer barked at them as they fought, all tangled limbs and blinding hair. “What happens to children? Children die! All but one of you will die. Which of you will live?”_

_She was focused on the black haired girl opposite her. She didn’t know her name, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was being better, winning. She slashed out with her right foot, pivoting on her left. She caught the other girl square in the throat. She watched her go down, choking and sputtering. Her windpipe was crushed. It was Natalia’s first kill. Her trainer was proud of her._

_She was a child. Children die._

She shook off the memory, at least she thought it was a memory, she couldn’t really be sure.

“No. My teammates are not children.” If they were children they’d be dead.

“Then perhaps love is not just for children, little Natalia.” Bucky sat beside her.

“Can we watch Dog Cops now?” Clint interjected as he flopped down on her other side, remote grasped tightly. Natasha snorted, he wasn’t great at emotional displays, but Clint helped in the ways he knew how. She fought back the urge to smile when Bucky reached behind her to flick Clint lightly on the forehead. She’d never had brothers, that she could remember anyway, but Clint was as close as she got and Bucky was nearly there.

They were her pack.

Now she just needed to get the rest of her little pack in line and everything would be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

She stayed with Clint and Bucky for two weeks. She didn’t need to tell them to keep Phil away, it just happened. Every time she caught Phil out of the corner of her eye suddenly Bucky or Clint had some pressing matter that only she could help with and she found herself swept away.

Steve was a different matter entirely.

She supposed it made sense, with Bucky still struggling to regain his memories, that Steve would be around their apartment. At first she’d go into a different room, or go shoot, but after the third day she gave up trying to avoid him. She wouldn’t shove him, not when she was all but hiding from Phil, but she wasn’t going to hide from him either. He was the one who’d asked for space; let him avoid her if that’s what he needed.

He didn’t put forth any effort to avoid her when he was in Buck and Clint’s suite. She pretended not to notice the looks he gave her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She did notice when the take out menu for the Ethiopian place she’d dragged him to for their first date appeared on the counter. She noticed when more ammo for her favorite pistol just happened to appear on the end table she sat next to.

She noticed when a ticket to the Russian ballet appeared on the fridge, stuck there with a magnet in the shape of Cap’s shield. She smiled lightly to herself before heading to the suite she shared with Phil to find something suitable to wear.

The suite itself was blessedly empty when she got there, though signs of Phil were everywhere. His mug was on the counter, a tie was tossed over the shower rod to dry, his shoes were neatly lined up next to her own, all tiny domestic things that proved he still lived there. She inhaled the smell of Phil. In that moment she reached her decision.

She didn’t care.

She didn’t care why he’d come back; only that he had. She didn’t care what he was dying from; only that he’d chosen to spend what time he had left with her. She didn’t care why he wanted to share her with Steve; only that he did. She was tired of being angry with him, tried of trying to make sense of everything. Nothing needed to make sense, not if it meant wasting whatever time she had left with Phil.

She changed quickly; part of her hoping Phil would come home before she left so she could tell him that she forgave him. He didn’t. She glanced at the time and decided she didn’t have enough time before curtain to sit and wait for him. She hadn’t gone to the Russian ballet since Shield fell, she could remember loving it, and she’d be damned if she was going to miss the opportunity.

~*~

She hadn’t been expecting a box. Let alone a box in the center balcony. She certainly wasn’t complaining, her seat was comfortable, her view spectacular, and there was a small pair of opera glasses waiting for her on the railing with a note.

_I’m sorry you’re watching this alone tonight. But I thought you’d get more out of this if you weren’t explaining what was happening to a fossil. Happy’ll pick you up after and bring you to where we’re having dinner._

It wasn’t signed. Normally she’d be more cautious about the whole situation. This certainly smelled like a trap. But for once she imagined getting caught wouldn’t be that bad. She sat back in her seat and prepared to enjoy the show.

The curtain rose and she was enraptured. The dancers’ moves evoked flashes of muscle memory. She watched them jump and twirl and her calves ached as though she’d been the one preforming. They looked so delicate, flinging themselves about in graceful abandon. Their corded muscled gave away their strength, like figures made of spider silk. Her heart ached with the beauty of it. All too soon it was over.

She decidedly had not cried. The ballet had been loosely based on Sleeping Beauty. She thought that was a little heavy handed of Steve, but he’d never been one to be subtle. She dabbed at her eyes so she didn’t smear her make-up and composed herself before going to meet Happy.

If the chauffeur noticed her eyes were a bit bright he didn’t say a word. He simply smiled at her, called her Ms. Natasha, and held open the door to a sleek black limo. Inside was a chilled bottle of champagne with another note stating it would take an hour or so to get to where they were headed and that she should help herself. There was also a small box of imported chocolate. She began to wonder just who had helped Steve with this; he was a more ‘boardwalk and hot dog’ kinda guy. She popped a chocolate into her mouth and sipped at the champagne.

True to the note’s estimate she felt the rumble of the engine cease roughly an hour later. The car door opened and a large hand reached inside to help her out. She slid out of the car and blinked for a moment, letting her eyes adjust to the thousands of twinkling fairy lights strung through tree branches around the small park. In the center of it all was a blanket spread out with a few chafing dishes and three sets of plates and cutlery.

Wait… three?

She looked up at Steve, who’d helped her from the car. He glanced behind her pointedly. She turned her head slightly to see that Phil had been the one who’d opened the door.

“I hope you’re not too mad at me still, Natasha.” Phil gave her a shy smile. “If you are then plan B is I get in the limo and Happy takes me home so you and Cap can enjoy your dinner.” He looked at her, cautiously hopeful.

She can’t remember if he’d ever looked as happy as he did the moment she took his hand.

Steve tugged them toward the blanket and Natasha’s stomach gave an approving rumble. She gave him a mock glare when he laughed at her. “Oh shut it Captain Chuckles. You know full well I haven’t eaten since this morning.” She grumbled without any real venom behind it.

Steve chuckled softly to himself and began filling their plates. Phil carefully poured wine in all three glasses as Natasha settled herself on the edge of the blanket. For tonight she was perfectly happy to let the pair take care of her. Steve handed her a plate full of roast chicken and potatoes. They ate in companionable silence. When they finished eating Steve cleared their plates and Phil refilled their wine glasses.

Steve cleared his throat. “Nat, I’m sure you’ve figured it out already, but I want to give this a shot.” He fiddled with his wine glass. She studied his face for a moment. Phil is speaking before she can even begin to respond.

“I’m sorry, Natasha. I’m sorry I didn’t come for you sooner, I’m sorry for every mistake I have made since I’ve come back.” Phil reached out his hand for her and she took it, feeling him tremble despite his outward calm. “I’d like to start over, if you’ll let me.”

Natasha took a moment, just to look at the both of them. She knew her answer, but they didn’t. And she figured that they could deal with a moment or two of squirming before she told them.

“You’re both idiots.” She finally managed. “But you’re my idiots. So I suppose I’ll have to get used to it.” She let a smile grow on her face while they processed exactly what she’d just said.

She’d meant it. They were hers. And she’d be damned if she wasn’t going to keep them both.


End file.
